It's been a crazy intense couple of years for me and I am so thoroughly in need of a vacation. When I was a kid we used to drive up and down the Oregon coast bay area. Maybe its because of these trips that I find myself every year yearning to run off to the coast and take some time off and just sit. The kind of time where, curled around a massive cup of coffee you bury your toes in the sandy beach and sit and process through the craziness that seems to take hold of your life. The kind where you sit and get completely lost in the waves rushing in and fading out, processing the good, the bad and the painful in your life.
I am not exactly an open person about feelings or the intimate details of my life, and I happen to find most details to be the intimate ones. I think maybe because of this "stuffing" tendency I find myself in this place of "get me out of here before I implode". Either way though I find so many of my toughest years of loss, hurt, betrayal and anger were taken to the beach with me. It's these life altering events, most that came without notice, and more importantly to me, my consent, that were allowed to change me forever....these are the events hashed out cup after cup and mile after mile of beach. Few if any words are ever necessary. And every year I find myself staring at the vast and intense hugeness, my eye s unable to contain its measure or fathom its depths.......It's in these times the ocean has proven itself a great comfort to me. And it has been on its shorelines I have found I can sit and be faced with the ultimate and irrefutable reminder that I am, in fact....very small.
I am frail and powerless against such a distructive force. I cannot control its coming or its going, the temperature or frequency of its tides, and I'd be a fool to argue such abvious truth. So with heavy burdens and lost treasures and all that ensnares my heart at the forefront of mind I am overwhelmed into rememberance that this great and indistructable force (that lay for the moment gently lapping at my ankles).....was created. The mindless and destructive ocean has been told to stop. Right there....at my feet.
Somehow that changes everything for me. The knowledge that the God that I continually put in boxes and pretty pictures of serenity and white picket fence normalcy, is crazy big, and intensely powerful, and unfathomably creative.
My burdens are suddenly lighter......not gone, mind you. And my lost treasures are.....still losses.
I feel the need at this point to emphasize that life has not been perfected. The circumstances that brought me to this place have not changed. I just no longer feel obligated to have to explain or justify or even wrap my head around a stinking piece of the way I feel or the way I think.....because HE gets me. ME. Right where I am.....I am understood. Those gaping holes in my life and heart that cry out for someone to understand....to do more than just listen, but to understand the depth of thier impact on my life. This is understood. Fully. Completely, and with great compassion.
My perception has changed. I am not alone here. And I'll be honest. At this point in my life I feel alone often......but He created the great depths of my heart and knows them well.....sometimes I think thats all a girl needs to hear.........or remember.
