I went to the doctor today. We're still trying to clean up the mess from that idiot that T boned my car. Its been almost 3 years since that crazy night. 3 years. Wow. It's amazing how much can change in that amount of time. I find it unbelievable how you can be moving in one direction and then suddenly everything that you consider the foundational and unchangeable aspects of your life are rearranged, replaced.....or just gone. Suddenly you find yourself in a dramatically different place. Moving in a direction you could never have seen yourself going before. You see things entirely different as your perception couldn't help but be altered by this complete change in circumstance and direction. On the one hand you feel the same and yet...you know that you're not. Whenever I look back, I can't help but feel like I'm looking in on someone else's life. I'm intruding on her intimate thoughts and feelings. The shock and unfathomable heartbreak. The crushing weight of disapointment. The denial. Peeking into the windows of her heart, I can feel everything as if I am there and yet, I see it all so differently now.
A very dear and wise man once told me "The best part about my past is just that....it's passed. Every day forward, it gets just a little farther away.". I agree with him. I wouldn't go back for anything. Would I change things? Yes...and no. Part of me would give absolutely anything and everything in my posession to have specific events turn out......well, differently.
But then I think, there's a perfect plan here where I'm at. I have no clue what it is, try as I may to figure it out. It doesn't smell, feel, taste, or even bloody look like much of a plan. It has been anything but pretty. And I assure you, it has been above everything, the hardest thing for me to remain. To get up and continue to do the next thing......and then.....to get up and continue.....and then....to just get up. Despite or maybe INspite of these things...there is a design.
I have learned soooo much through this indescribably hard and many times, seemingly endless road. I have learned how to quick fix a fence and patch concrete. I have learned and honestly am still learning, how to stand up for myself, and to say what I need to say in love. I have discovered that I am so much stronger than I ever thought I was. I understand now that despite how good it feels at the time...throwing large chunks of glass at people's face's (typically), will not change a fricking thing. I know that roses have root systems and they must go with the "green part", when transplanting. And I now thoroughly understand why there are so many alcoholics in this world.
However, above all these things, I know that I know when He says, you are mine......He means it. I knew it in my head before, but never so thoroughly and completely have I understood it's meaning than I do now. It's not a feeling or even anything I can see, at least not on a consistent basis. But the absolute truth of His statement "You are mine.", resonates in the deepest parts of my heart.......DEspite everything He allowed to happen. DEspite the way that I feel. DEspite the fact that I'm not doing this perfectly. DEspite the fact that nothing in my life is as I would have willingly chosen it. DEspite my lack of trust. Despite all these things, the absolute truth is.......His promise has not failed me......not once.
I will remain.
In my heart I may not "get up and continue" everyday and honestly my heart may not even "get up" everyday......but I will remain. Not out of obligation or because it's right or good or any other equally rediculous reason. I will remain because the creator of the universe, who formed my heart and who at any given moment of the day knows the number of hairs on my head...He calls me His own.
I am my beloved's.
