It's 2:32 PM on a gorgeous sunshiney Wednesday in September and I am nestled in my couch under an obscene number of blankets, in my pajamas, marinating in Ray LaMontagne and a fresh pot of coffee. I received a nasty not so little sprained ankle this weekend...and we have that fat little gem to thank for making all these wonderful things possible in the middle of the week...(insert sarcasm HERE)
Being glued to the couch and an ice pack...I can't help but think that a mere ten months ago, I would have been killing myself to be at work, at whatever capacity I could muster. Not being able to drive, I would have either had my mom drive me, or I would have driven myself. But I would be working, and wild horses could not have dragged me away from the office. Looking back its easy to see how I found myself there. I am extremely ambitious and the Lord had told me in the fall of 2010 that I was not to pursue my BA and then Masters in Sculpting as I had hoped. Crushed, I assumed that a wedding would take its place...and then a garden and a couple of kids. Negative ghost rider. So there I was, working and involved in ministry...and working out....and single. And bored out of my freaking mind with the uninspiring day in and day out. So, when work got insane a year and a half or so ago and a few opportunities presented themselves; I threw myself into it without hesitation. I excelled and that felt fantastic...and before long I was working 50-60 hours a week.
For 10 months I continued this pace of work, logging mass amounts of hours and taking on huge projects in order to prove myself. I found myself completely consumed with my job. The physically and mentally exhausting, soul sucking kind of consumed. The kind where no matter how much you sacrifice or accomplish, it is never really enough. Needless to say, even with my gold stars piling up at work, I burned out very quickly.
I have found my heart consumed with one thing or another at various points in my relationship with my Creator. Finances, relationships, school, circumstances, doubt, fear or even myself...(I assure you, this list goes on.) Somehow, these things manage to quietly manipulate their way onto the throne of my heart...and then start handing out orders. And each time I find myself, for a time, deluded into thinking that it is justifiable and absolutely necessary in order to survive or best navigate current circumstances. This is strength. My impertinent heart whispers fervently. This is perseverance. There is no other way. I guess I had always just considered the idea of being consumed by something you are good at to mean that you are passionate, driven and pushed to capacity by it, resulting in a greatness not possible without such a force. I thought that anybody who ever wanted to be truly great at something must be at least a little bit consumed by it.
And that my friends, is a dirty lie.
The truth is, consumed means to squander, devour and ultimately...destroy. How very fitting. Because that is exactly what I had allowed my job to do. Squander and exhaust my time, energy and resources and ultimately devour my soul. I had nothing left for anything other than work. And every relationship in my life suffered because of it. By finally understanding the gravity of its true definition it became pretty stinking easy to see this lie at work in my life.
As soon as that light bulb went off and things finally clicked....my sweet Savior was already swooping down to right the course of my waterlogged little ship...The Lover of My Soul was back on the throne of my heart....annnnd once again....I am humbled by the undeserved and yet overwhelmingly faithful love of my God.
Love never fails. Praise the Lord ye saints. Praise the Lord.
"For the LORD is good; His mercy is everlasting, and His truth endures to all generations." ~Psalm 100:5
