I love autumn. I love how the leaves burst into violent flames of color before falling to the ground. Each tree seems to burn in its own brilliantly hued display before shedding its foliage for winter. Absolutely breathtaking. Add a steamy pumpkin spice latte, an old man sweater, and my favorite grey boots and I am happy, happy, happy.
Fall has always been a reflective time for me. Maybe its the need for a reprieve as the busy summer months draw to a close. Maybe its the approach of the last few months of the year. Whatever the case, nothing seems more natural than snuggling up to an inviting mug of coffee and assessing the situation. A question that has resurfaced more than a few times over the years, and yet this year seemed to be of some oh so major importance: Are you who you want to be? Am I, Jackie....the woman I want to be? Ugh. Right off the bat the list of accomplishments that have definitely not been accomplished comes to mind.
I want to be a great, GREAT many things. I want to be an incredible sculptor. I want to be an amazing painter. I want to be inspiring. I want to move your freaking soul with my art. I also want to be a wife slash mom. But not just any wife slash mom. I want to be the Godly, smok'in hot, homeschooling, gardening, encouraging, freaking boss of a mom/wife, that bakes stuff...and fixes things...and stuff. I want to be found faithful. Faithful with the time and gifts the Lord has given me. Faithful to remain. Faithful to love Him most. I want to be consumed with genuine heartfelt thankfulness. Thankful for His constant faithfulness to me. Thankful that He hears the cries of my heart and He cares. Thankful for the hope that I have in him. Thankful that He knows and He is working. I want to know Him more. I want to reek of grace and mercy. I want to be entirely His....every hidden piece of my wretched, fickle little heart.
It's easy to be overwhelmed when I look at this list because I haven't truly arrived at any of these things. I am not an incredible sculptor. I am not an amazing painter. We are going to completely skip the Godly, smok'in hot wife slash mom topic....I am not completely faithful with the time and gifts He has given me...I don't always love Him most....I'm honestly really, really sucking at being thankful this week/month /year/decade....I definitely do not reek of grace and mercy. And every hidden piece of my wretched fickle little heart is not His.
Truth be told, I am failing in a lot of these areas...and not the pretty kind either.
I don't think that's the point here though....because the woman I want to be is a finished product. She's a hot chocolate chip cookie straight from the oven. And lets be real here: I'm probably still at the "get the margarine to room temperature" stage....long before the sugar, eggs or flour are ever added. There is a LOT that needs to be done before we get this stick of margarine to resemble a batch of cookies. But that doesn't mean I can't be used and it doesn't mean that I am not where I am supposed to be. It simply means this is a process and He isn't finished yet. And you know what? I don't have to have my crap together.
And you know what? I don't.
My house was broken into a few weeks ago. They destroyed my carpet and couches, went through my cabinets, bedrooms and basement taking all my electronics......including my laptop...that was in my bed....where I sleep. Needless to say as a woman who lives alone this is a huge violation. And...I have dark circles under my eyes to prove it. I haven't been sleeping much since. Why? Because I'm afraid and I don't trust the Lord completely. Do I want to? Duh. But the bottom line is until the Lord gets me there...it's going to be a struggle. I will pray about it, first over the trust and sleeping issue.....and then for the poor people that have to deal with me tomorrow. But at the end of the day, I'm not there until I'm there.....and I don't have to pretend that I am there, when I'm not. I can be honest where I am at. I am fearful of what man can do to me. And even though I can point you to at least two passages that contradict that fear....it doesn't change the fact that I am still walking through it with the Lord.
How freeing is that though? As lame as the circumstances are...the Lord doesn't call us to fake it until we make it. He calls us to walk with Him. Day in and day out. He has never said to me, Jackie, here is a monstrous valley; I want you to cross it in the next 2 years. Rather, He has walked me through them one deliberate and well placed step at a time....eyes locked on mine, leading me carefully and sweetly through.
So as I find myself, once again, locked in his gaze and moving forward....I have to say yes, as the object of His infinite love and overwhelming faithfulness....YES, I am exactly who I want to be. Not perfect, and not finished. But when my Savior calls me...He calls me by name....and He calls me His own.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Liar, Liar Pants on Fire: Part 1
It's 2:32 PM on a gorgeous sunshiney Wednesday in September and I am nestled in my couch under an obscene number of blankets, in my pajamas, marinating in Ray LaMontagne and a fresh pot of coffee. I received a nasty not so little sprained ankle this weekend...and we have that fat little gem to thank for making all these wonderful things possible in the middle of the week...(insert sarcasm HERE)
Being glued to the couch and an ice pack...I can't help but think that a mere ten months ago, I would have been killing myself to be at work, at whatever capacity I could muster. Not being able to drive, I would have either had my mom drive me, or I would have driven myself. But I would be working, and wild horses could not have dragged me away from the office. Looking back its easy to see how I found myself there. I am extremely ambitious and the Lord had told me in the fall of 2010 that I was not to pursue my BA and then Masters in Sculpting as I had hoped. Crushed, I assumed that a wedding would take its place...and then a garden and a couple of kids. Negative ghost rider. So there I was, working and involved in ministry...and working out....and single. And bored out of my freaking mind with the uninspiring day in and day out. So, when work got insane a year and a half or so ago and a few opportunities presented themselves; I threw myself into it without hesitation. I excelled and that felt fantastic...and before long I was working 50-60 hours a week.
For 10 months I continued this pace of work, logging mass amounts of hours and taking on huge projects in order to prove myself. I found myself completely consumed with my job. The physically and mentally exhausting, soul sucking kind of consumed. The kind where no matter how much you sacrifice or accomplish, it is never really enough. Needless to say, even with my gold stars piling up at work, I burned out very quickly.
I have found my heart consumed with one thing or another at various points in my relationship with my Creator. Finances, relationships, school, circumstances, doubt, fear or even myself...(I assure you, this list goes on.) Somehow, these things manage to quietly manipulate their way onto the throne of my heart...and then start handing out orders. And each time I find myself, for a time, deluded into thinking that it is justifiable and absolutely necessary in order to survive or best navigate current circumstances. This is strength. My impertinent heart whispers fervently. This is perseverance. There is no other way. I guess I had always just considered the idea of being consumed by something you are good at to mean that you are passionate, driven and pushed to capacity by it, resulting in a greatness not possible without such a force. I thought that anybody who ever wanted to be truly great at something must be at least a little bit consumed by it.
And that my friends, is a dirty lie.
The truth is, consumed means to squander, devour and ultimately...destroy. How very fitting. Because that is exactly what I had allowed my job to do. Squander and exhaust my time, energy and resources and ultimately devour my soul. I had nothing left for anything other than work. And every relationship in my life suffered because of it. By finally understanding the gravity of its true definition it became pretty stinking easy to see this lie at work in my life.
As soon as that light bulb went off and things finally clicked....my sweet Savior was already swooping down to right the course of my waterlogged little ship...The Lover of My Soul was back on the throne of my heart....annnnd once again....I am humbled by the undeserved and yet overwhelmingly faithful love of my God.
Love never fails. Praise the Lord ye saints. Praise the Lord.
"For the LORD is good; His mercy is everlasting, and His truth endures to all generations." ~Psalm 100:5
Being glued to the couch and an ice pack...I can't help but think that a mere ten months ago, I would have been killing myself to be at work, at whatever capacity I could muster. Not being able to drive, I would have either had my mom drive me, or I would have driven myself. But I would be working, and wild horses could not have dragged me away from the office. Looking back its easy to see how I found myself there. I am extremely ambitious and the Lord had told me in the fall of 2010 that I was not to pursue my BA and then Masters in Sculpting as I had hoped. Crushed, I assumed that a wedding would take its place...and then a garden and a couple of kids. Negative ghost rider. So there I was, working and involved in ministry...and working out....and single. And bored out of my freaking mind with the uninspiring day in and day out. So, when work got insane a year and a half or so ago and a few opportunities presented themselves; I threw myself into it without hesitation. I excelled and that felt fantastic...and before long I was working 50-60 hours a week.
For 10 months I continued this pace of work, logging mass amounts of hours and taking on huge projects in order to prove myself. I found myself completely consumed with my job. The physically and mentally exhausting, soul sucking kind of consumed. The kind where no matter how much you sacrifice or accomplish, it is never really enough. Needless to say, even with my gold stars piling up at work, I burned out very quickly.
I have found my heart consumed with one thing or another at various points in my relationship with my Creator. Finances, relationships, school, circumstances, doubt, fear or even myself...(I assure you, this list goes on.) Somehow, these things manage to quietly manipulate their way onto the throne of my heart...and then start handing out orders. And each time I find myself, for a time, deluded into thinking that it is justifiable and absolutely necessary in order to survive or best navigate current circumstances. This is strength. My impertinent heart whispers fervently. This is perseverance. There is no other way. I guess I had always just considered the idea of being consumed by something you are good at to mean that you are passionate, driven and pushed to capacity by it, resulting in a greatness not possible without such a force. I thought that anybody who ever wanted to be truly great at something must be at least a little bit consumed by it.
And that my friends, is a dirty lie.
The truth is, consumed means to squander, devour and ultimately...destroy. How very fitting. Because that is exactly what I had allowed my job to do. Squander and exhaust my time, energy and resources and ultimately devour my soul. I had nothing left for anything other than work. And every relationship in my life suffered because of it. By finally understanding the gravity of its true definition it became pretty stinking easy to see this lie at work in my life.
As soon as that light bulb went off and things finally clicked....my sweet Savior was already swooping down to right the course of my waterlogged little ship...The Lover of My Soul was back on the throne of my heart....annnnd once again....I am humbled by the undeserved and yet overwhelmingly faithful love of my God.
Love never fails. Praise the Lord ye saints. Praise the Lord.
"For the LORD is good; His mercy is everlasting, and His truth endures to all generations." ~Psalm 100:5
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